And, if he was, he certainly offered no apologies.
I felt I only had one choice: to dwell aka “sit in the feelings” that I had for him: mental and emotional pain, sadness, grief, confusion, despair, resentment, disappointment, and anger.
No, that wouldn’t do. He was absent my entire life. He owed me an explanation! I planned to confront him, make him tell me why he hurt me, and exactly why he was not sorry for it.
Although, in my mind, there was nothing he could really do to make what was wrong, right. My heart still wanted a repentant apology. I wanted him to apologize, mean it — and never go missing again.
So, I looked him up online, by his full name; and there, in the results, was the link for his obituary.
My father was dead.
The truth shattered around me like broken glass: I will never get an apology. I will never know if he truly was (or was not) sorry. No closure whatsoever; left with nothing but — feelings.
Now, with even more feelings to “sit in” than before, I felt cheated, doomed, and destined to wallow in my feelings (until they ultimately consumed me).
It. Was. O-ver-whelm-ing.
I needed to be released from the weight. I needed to forgive him even if he wasn’t sorry; even if he never apologized, and never would.
But, I couldn’t. Forgiveness was just not “my ministry” and actually — what I needed, was at least 25 free passes to be petty, and for him to atone his wrongdoings.
Then, my Father, which art in Heaven, used my earthly father, to school me on Forgiveness.
God taught me that:
1. My parents’ divorce, and my father’s subsequent absence in my life, was written into my story long before I was conceived. It was appointed for my life (Jeremiah 1:5).
2. I was commanded to love my father regardless.
3. I was commanded to forgive my father regardless.
4. I cannot say I love Him (God), if I cannot even love my father (my neighbor) (1 John 4:20-21).
5. I have to forgive, if I expect to be forgiven (Matthew 6:14).
6. Unforgiveness can and will block my blessings. Mark 11:24 requires Mark 11:25-26.
7. I cannot account for the deeds of others; but I can account for my own.
8. Choosing to forgive is a choice.
9. Choosing not to forgive is a choice.
10. Forgiveness frees me. Unforgiveness enslaves me, and can ultimately destroy me.
So, yeah — I’m not really trying to be destroyed. Needless to say, forgiveness became my ministry.
I had to stop being petty, had to release the vice grip I had on the grudges I was holding. I had to stop harboring bad feelings and negative energy. I had to forgive all of the people who had wronged me, sorry or not, my father included.
Man, listen: I never knew how strong I was…
You will never know how strong you are…
Until you make the CHOICE to forgive someone who isn’t sorry. Someone who isn’t offering any apologies.
Forgiving is easier said than done, I know. They really hurt you, I know. But, you will feel so much better when you, simply, let it go.
These are the ten lessons that helped me to become free. Apply them to your lives & may they do the very same for you. Forgive.
Peace and freedom,
Love Meg Xo
Oh! PS: I forgive you, Daddy. May your soul rest in perfect peace.